Listiculr

Thoughts that high-fived me while watching "Bounce"

1. Gwyneth Paltrow is a one-woman acting seminar that’d completely embarrass The Learning Annex’s best offering.

2. Ben Affleck can wear the shit out of a leather jacket. If that cow’s insides were anywhere near as delicious as Mr. Affleck made the outsides look, then that particular bovine’s level of sacrifice is rivaled only by Jackward M. Bauer.

3. As recent as 2000, cell phones were still large enough to choke a shark.

4. The main bad guy from Ghost can also play not-getting-killed-by-shards-of-broken-glass-via-falling-windows equally well.

5. The black guy from Terminator 2 plays not-getting-killed with much less finesse. His performance as an ad executive was serviceable, but I got the feeling he was still waiting for the LAPD SWAT team to gun him down for stealing the Terminator arm and microchip from Cyberdyne. Don Draper does not wait for the SWAT team. The SWAT team waits for him.

6. The creepy little boy in The Ring was once just a regular kid whose face you didn’t want to punch off the screen.

7. If I were Gwyneth Paltrow’s character I don’t know if I could pull myself away from Ben Affleck’s lips just because it upset my son. Of course, I already don’t love the children I might have enough to care about the type of environment they inherit.

8. Ben Affleck has no problem tricking his way into eating your ice cream, nor should you take issue with him for doing so.

9. Fuck scenes are infinitely more loving when interrupted by notifications that friends have signed onto Xbox Live. Total hard.

- CCI

This year I will regift:

1. Checks made out to me.

2. Framed photos of my family, my ex, me with my ex, etc.

3. Christmas cards. [no amendments allowed]

4. Underwear/socks. [recipients must be co-workers]

5. Gift cards. [to anything without an online presence or location within 500 miles of recipient]

6. Bike parts.

- MD

Facebook dick moves

1. Wall conversations. Imagine driving along the coast of your own private island in the fastest sports car on the planet with a pretty/handsome young thing sitting next to you, all while wearing the most comfortable pair of slacks (the kind that only exist in the best types of dreams). Now imagine the exact opposite: being a young woman in 1985 who’s not able to advance her promising marketing career through the glass ceiling. This is how annoying Wall conversations are. Knock that crap off and upgrade to unlimited texts.

2. Inviting friends to applications. Did you just add a snowball throwing application to your page? I would expect this particular brand of nonsense from retarded 8-year-old girls if they weren’t busy chasing after imaginary love balloons. Not you. You take advantage of 2008’s far thinner glass ceiling to add atrocity after atrocity to your profile while sitting in your corner office and gorging on low fat foods. And then you’re too stupid to not deselect all of your friends so we all get an invitation to the piece of shit you were too dumb to not add yourself.

3. Joining groups & becoming fans of things (any/all causes). I’m glad to see you’re so passionate about this cause/person that you’ll go as far as clicking a button. Your group wants to be one million strong? Well watch out, Internet, there’s a new sheriff in town – one million of you guys!

4. Having a profile picture of not you. Maybe you’re ugly as fuck. Odds have it that you are and that’s okay. Without ugly people we wouldn’t have modern radio, effective before/after print ads or the ability to feel that much better about yourself when you indulge your guilty pleasure and attend live WWE events. Odds also have it that you’re just a pretentious dick and wanted be artsy and different for the sake of it: “Hey guys, check this out! I came across this obscure and/or old school photo and thought that it better showcased the real me than the real me.”

5. Stupid status updates. This girl added me as a friend and I accepted reluctantly as she was always kind of weird. The next day she treated me to the dumbest status I’ve ever seen. I couldn’t delete her as a friend fast enough. It was as if she was trying to type out “fuck you” four or five times but kept busting out typos and eventually ended up with the final product. I can’t remember what it was specifically, which is for the best - having it typed it out verbatim a second time would probably destroy the Internet. It had something to do with life and goodness.

6. Entering into the ‘Favorite TV Shows’ section something about not owning a TV and then going crazy filling in the ‘Favorite Movies’ area. Going one step further, if you actually happen to date the year in which you stopped watching television I hope somebody lights you on fire. The only thing that matches the originality in your choice to shun the idiot box is the level of unoriginality you’re sure to use in your list of movies. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Fight Club. A smattering of Wes Anderson films. That porno you’d love to star in called Sucking Off Wes Anderson. The Dark Knight. Of course with the newest Batman tiff there will be some sort of qualifier about how far out on the edge you’re going to place such a new release on your all-time list.

- CCI

Lessons from "It's Halloween, Charlie Brown"

1. Official = notarized.

2. Denominations only separate us.

3. It’s important to have a media presence.

4. “…things I’ve learned never to discuss with other people: religion, politics…”

5. First consider legality.

6. A respectful moral judgement values sincerity.

7. If shot down behind enemy lines in the French countryside, rest on a hay bale.

8. Dog lips are poisonous.

- MD

Dear point-of-view pornography,

1. You suck. Don’t get me wrong, unless Gossip Girl’s gonna be on in a few minutes and I can whack to Blake Lively’s tits, I’d use you in a pinch. But porn should not provide a look at the sex I already have or could have. That’s boring. Give me a glimpse into sex I cannot, for whatever reason, have. Three limits: kids, rape, animals. Otherwise go nuts. At least show me an angle I can’t see when I’m actually fucking (sans mirrors).

2. Your most insulting element is your central conceit. I’ll admit I’m dumb. So dumb that I’ll write about what I jerk off to on Myrealfullname.com. But I’ll never be so dumb that I can trick myself into believing that I’m somehow attached to the disembodied dick at the bottom of that frame, that somehow I’m doing the fucking. Real holes feel way different than my left hand. Maybe you’re just for virgins?

3. Don’t splay that shit out all the time. Sometimes people tighten up and/or squeeze each other during sex and not necessarily in a loving way. Lets have a few scenes where the stars aren’t mid-snowangel.

4. Don’t be the only fresh shit around when I want to download new porn. Be something more. Be Lela Star. Be Faye Valentine’s latest scene. Be Sasha Grey saying something super nasty that I’ve never heard before. Be dat.

Thanks.

- MD