Facebook dick moves
1. Wall conversations. Imagine driving along the coast of your own private island in the fastest sports car on the planet with a pretty/handsome young thing sitting next to you, all while wearing the most comfortable pair of slacks (the kind that only exist in the best types of dreams). Now imagine the exact opposite: being a young woman in 1985 who’s not able to advance her promising marketing career through the glass ceiling. This is how annoying Wall conversations are. Knock that crap off and upgrade to unlimited texts.
2. Inviting friends to applications. Did you just add a snowball throwing application to your page? I would expect this particular brand of nonsense from retarded 8-year-old girls if they weren’t busy chasing after imaginary love balloons. Not you. You take advantage of 2008’s far thinner glass ceiling to add atrocity after atrocity to your profile while sitting in your corner office and gorging on low fat foods. And then you’re too stupid to not deselect all of your friends so we all get an invitation to the piece of shit you were too dumb to not add yourself.
3. Joining groups & becoming fans of things (any/all causes). I’m glad to see you’re so passionate about this cause/person that you’ll go as far as clicking a button. Your group wants to be one million strong? Well watch out, Internet, there’s a new sheriff in town – one million of you guys!
4. Having a profile picture of not you. Maybe you’re ugly as fuck. Odds have it that you are and that’s okay. Without ugly people we wouldn’t have modern radio, effective before/after print ads or the ability to feel that much better about yourself when you indulge your guilty pleasure and attend live WWE events. Odds also have it that you’re just a pretentious dick and wanted be artsy and different for the sake of it: “Hey guys, check this out! I came across this obscure and/or old school photo and thought that it better showcased the real me than the real me.”
5. Stupid status updates. This girl added me as a friend and I accepted reluctantly as she was always kind of weird. The next day she treated me to the dumbest status I’ve ever seen. I couldn’t delete her as a friend fast enough. It was as if she was trying to type out “fuck you” four or five times but kept busting out typos and eventually ended up with the final product. I can’t remember what it was specifically, which is for the best - having it typed it out verbatim a second time would probably destroy the Internet. It had something to do with life and goodness.
6. Entering into the ‘Favorite TV Shows’ section something about not owning a TV and then going crazy filling in the ‘Favorite Movies’ area. Going one step further, if you actually happen to date the year in which you stopped watching television I hope somebody lights you on fire. The only thing that matches the originality in your choice to shun the idiot box is the level of unoriginality you’re sure to use in your list of movies. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Fight Club. A smattering of Wes Anderson films. That porno you’d love to star in called Sucking Off Wes Anderson. The Dark Knight. Of course with the newest Batman tiff there will be some sort of qualifier about how far out on the edge you’re going to place such a new release on your all-time list.
- CCI
